


Moving In

by Lasafara



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU - no monsters, Asexual Coming Out, Asexual Relationship, Asexual!Castiel, Bottom!Cas, M/M, Sex does not go well but is consensual, attempted consensual sex, bisexual!dean, drinking as a coping mechanism, human!Cas, mentions of switching, poor communication skills, poor coping mechanisms, top!dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 18:16:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7064872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lasafara/pseuds/Lasafara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel and Dean are high school sweethearts moving in together after Dean finished trade school. Dean has been patient with Castiel all these years, never pressuring him into anything he's not ready for, but now that they have their own place, Castiel is sure that Dean is going to want to go "all the way", and he's just not sure he's ready for that. How can he keep Dean, though, without eventually doing something he's not comfortable with?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving In

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to BehindTheCellarDoor (http://impalartsociopath.tumblr.com/) for my artwork! They were my pinch hitter. I gotta shout out to sternchencas who was my original artist, because even though they weren't able to art for me, they were great encouragement while I was writing. And also my beta, Beth, who was super awesome and gave me some good suggestions on making this thing better. This was written for the Supernatual Asexual Minibang, and it was my first bang, and I had a whole bunch of fun with it.

“Here, let me get the door,” Dean said. He was heading outside for more boxes just as Cas was on his way in with a full load. “You got all that?”  
  
“Yeah, I’m good.”  
  
“We got much left?” Dean asked, eyes on Cas’s ass as he passed through the door.  
  
“One more load should do it,” Cas said, grinning.  
  
“Thank God. I am ready to sit down.”  
  
“Don’t forget, we still have to unpack,” Cas said, turning to balance the boxes he held against the wall so he could talk.  
  
“I know, I know. Let me go get that last load, babe. You go set that down.” Dean leaned over to give Cas a quick peck on the lips, then headed out the open apartment door and down the stairs.  
  
Cas took his boxes into the bedroom and set them down on the floor. The bed was set up, mattress in its place, though they still needed to find and unpack the sheets. The comforter was stuffed into a garbage bag and tossed near the center of the bed. It was Dean’s bed, Dean’s comforter, Dean’s sheets. They had plans to go pick out a bedroom set together sometime, but for now they were using Dean’s old things. He had a queen bed, while Cas’s parents had insisted that his twin bed was sufficient. Never mind that his legs had dangled off the end ever since sophomore year in high school. But Cas had a big family, with three brothers (Michael, Lucifer, and Gabriel), and a sister (Hannah). Beds were expensive and took up space. Sharing a room meant some concessions had to be made.  
  
Dean only had a brother, Sam. Sam and Dean hadn’t shared a room since middle school, when they’d moved from an apartment to a house. Once it was clear both boys were going to top six feet, their mom had insisted on buying them queen beds. Personally, Cas was hoping when they bought their own to get a king sized bed. But they would probably keep the mattress and the frame, and just get new sheets and bedding. There was nothing wrong with the bed, after all.  
  
The bed had Cas a little nervous. He and Dean had taken things slow, slower than Dean ever had. They’d been together since high school, junior year, but all they’d ever done was a lot of making out, some over-the-clothes petting, and an aborted blowjob that still made Cas flush with embarrassment. Cas hadn’t been able to maintain an erection, and he didn’t know how to tell Dean that he just wasn’t aroused. He’d been nervous and shy, but not aroused. Dean had shrugged it off, but Cas had avoided him for a week afterwards. Dean had finally cornered him and told him he didn’t care, that they didn’t have to try that again, that they didn’t have to try anything again if Cas didn’t want, just please please please don’t go away. Cas had cried in Dean’s arms that day, thinking there was something wrong with him, and they had agreed to put off sex until they had their own place. Dean seemed to think it was performance anxiety exacerbated by their lack of guaranteed privacy. Cas knew it was more than that, but he didn’t know how to tell Dean that. So he didn’t.  
  
High school had gone by fast though. Before Cas knew it, he was in college and Dean was in the local trade school. At first, they’d both stayed with their parents, but when Dean had graduated from the two-year program with honors and gotten an excellent job right out of school, he’d asked Cas if he would move out with him. Cas was still in school, going into massive debt with student loans, but saving money back from his part time job at the library. If Dean cut him a break on rent, he could afford it.  
  
For his part, Dean was happy to pay the majority of the rent. He was getting paid enough that he could afford the two-bedroom apartment on his own, so having a partner to help out was just a bonus. They’d done all the apartment-hunting together and had found what they thought was the perfect place. It wasn’t too far from the university or Dean’s workplace, and it was walking distance from a shopping center with a New Seasons. Cas could get all of his environmentally-friendly, organic foods from there.  
  
No, the apartment was perfect. Which was why Cas was so nervous. They hadn’t talked about sex since that disastrous blowjob, and Cas wasn’t sure what to expect. Would Dean want sex tonight? Immediately? Surely he would. And Cas… Cas didn’t even masturbate. He’d gathered that was weird. He’d avoided talking about it for years, had become an expert at getting out of sexual conversations. The whole topic made him uncomfortable.  
  
But he loved Dean. Of that he was sure. And he loved to touch Dean. Not sexually, but in other ways. He loved the way Dean melted when Cas took his face in his hands. He loved holding Dean, and being held. He quite enjoyed kissing Dean, provided it stayed above the belt. But he didn’t want to have sex with Dean. Everyone seemed to think that actually having sex would change his mind though, and Cas hoped that was true. He just couldn’t help feeling anxious about it.  
  
“Whatcha thinking so hard about in here, babe?” Dean asked, wrapping his arms around Cas from behind.  
  
“Nothing,” Cas said, leaning back into Dean’s arms. Dean nuzzled into Cas’s neck, and Cas tipped his head to give him more room.  
  
“We don’t have to do anything tonight.” It was like Dean had read his mind.  
  
“But you want to.”  
  
“Sure I do. Have you seen you? But it’s your first time. I want it to be special.” Dean sucked a bruise into Cas’s neck, and Cas hummed. He could feel Dean’s grin against his shoulder.  
  
They stood like that for several long minutes, Dean gently nuzzled into Cas’s shoulder. Finally Dean pulled away, slowly so that Cas didn’t lose his balance. “We should at least start to unpack. Get enough done that we can cook dinner and sleep.”  
  
“Why don’t we order pizza?” Cas asked. “We can unpack the sheets, leave everything else for later.”  
  
Dean grinned and smacked Cas’s ass. “Sounds good.”  
  
They didn’t have a couch yet, so when the pizza arrived, they curled up on the (now made, thanks to a couple of unpacked boxes while waiting for the pizza) bed together. They ate from each other’s hands, nuzzling noses and generally being disgustingly happy. When they were done, Cas took the pizza out to the kitchen and put it in the fridge. When he came back, Dean made grabby hands at him.  
  
“Babe, c’mere,” he said.  
  
Cas laughed and crawled back into bed, curling right up against Dean. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”  
  
Dean slid his arms around Cas, letting his hands drift down until they were teasing at the hem of his shirt. “We should get ready for bed…”  
  
Cas hummed, squirming a little under Dean’s touch. Encouraged, Dean maneuvered the two of them until he was on top of Cas, boxing him in with his body. “You okay?”  
  
Cas grinned, and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck. “Yeah.”  
  
He wasn’t lying. Cas felt safe like this, protected from the world. Sure, he was nervous about where this led, but for now he was comfortable and content.  
  
Dean left one hand at Cas’s hip, and threaded the other through Cas’s hair. Gently he pressed their lips together, slowly teasing his hand under Cas’s shirt. Cas arched into the touch, opening his mouth to Dean’s tongue. After a while, Dean pulled away, pulling his own shirt off, and then pulling Cas up to get his shirt off.  
  
“That’s better,” he said, tossing their shirts aside.  
  
Cas chuckled and laid back down with his arms over his head. Dean sat straddling his hips, staring down at him like he’d seen God.  
  
“You’re so beautiful,” he said. So far, this was nothing they hadn’t done before, if with less leisure. Dean took advantage of the time they had, and slowly ran his hands up and down Cas’s torso, just feeling him. Cas arched into the touch, his muscles twitching.  
  
“And so responsive,” Dean chuckled, and then abruptly got off Cas. Cas immediately whined, reaching for Dean. Dean laughed, and unbuttoned his pants. Cas hesitated, chewing on his lip, but finally squirmed out of his own pants. He left his boxers on, for now.  
  
Dean did not. He climbed back on top of Cas, slipping between his legs, and Cas could feel his cock through his boxers. His own cock twitched in interest. “This okay?”  
  
Nervous, Cas chewed on his lip, but he nodded. He wrapped his arms back around Dean’s neck, and Dean grinned. Dipping his head down, he captured Cas’s lips in a gentle kiss that slowly became more heated. Cas was swept up in the emotion, panting when Dean pulled away. “You wanna try? I’ve got the stuff.”  
  
Nodding slowly, Cas still whined when Dean pulled away. He was nervous, scared even, and Dean’s touch grounded him. He knew Dean would never intentionally hurt him. Shimmying out of his boxers, Cas waited for Dean to come back with lube and a condom. He was hard, at least, and he took that as a good sign.  
  
Dean came back and for a moment just stood and stared at Cas. Cas grinned and wiggled his hips. “Like what you see?”  
  
“Oh yes,” Dean growled, setting the lube and condom on the nightstand for now, and crawling over Cas. “I like it a lot.”  
  
They made out there for a long moment, and Cas found he liked the intimacy of being naked with Dean. Finally, though, Dean pulled away and reached for the lube. “You ready?”  
  
Cas tensed, but nodded.  
  
“On your hands and knees, then. That’ll be easier for the first time.” Dean moved away so that Cas could shift around. He did so nervously, and Dean noticed.  
  
“Relax. It’ll be fine. If it hurts too much, just tell me and we’ll stop.”  
  
Cas nodded and settled into position, still tense. Dean grinned and kissed his ass cheek. “Love you.”  
  
“Love you too,” Cas said, lifting his ass higher and lowering his head to his arms.  
  
Dean squirted some lube onto his fingers and then gently stroked Cas’s hole. Cas tensed more, trying not to twitch away.  
  
“Relax,” Dean said again.  
  
“Trying,” Cas replied.  
  
Slowly, Dean managed to get first one, and then two fingers inside Cas. Cas tried to relax, but no matter where Dean poked, it never became enjoyable. Nevertheless, when Dean asked him if he was ready, he said yes. This was supposed to feel good. He took a deep breath, and forced himself to relax. It’d probably be okay, right?  
  
Dean lined up and slowly pushed in, and it very quickly became not okay. “Ow ow ow out out out now now now stop I can’t no--”  
  
Dean was out nearly as soon as Cas started talking, and pulled away completely. “Are you okay?”  
  
Cas rolled onto his side and curled up into a fetal position. Dean hesitated to touch him. “That… I didn’t like that, Dean.”  
  
“That’s okay. We didn’t stretch enough, didn’t use enough lube. We don’t have to do anything tonight. ...Can I… Is it okay if I hold you?”  
  
When Cas nodded, Dean curled up behind him. Slowly Cas relaxed into Dean’s arms. “Sorry.”  
“Don’t be sorry. You got nothing to be sorry for. It’s my fault,” Dean said, softly brushing his fingers along Cas’s arms. Cas nodded and turned his head back towards Dean. Dean took the hint and leaned into the kiss. After a little while he shifted around to get them under the covers, turned off the light, and returned to curl around Cas.  
  
“Night Cas.”  
  
“Night Dean.”  
  
They both grinned, snuggling into each other until they fell asleep.

  
\------------------------  


The next morning, Dean slipped quietly out of bed before Cas woke up and went to the kitchen. They didn’t have much, but he could do cereal and toast with honey. That would make Cas smile, and maybe forgive him for the terrible sex. He wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong, but he was going to get it right next time.  
  
Bringing back the food and two cups of coffee balanced on a tray, he set it on the nightstand and sat down on the bed, scooting until he was sitting next to Cas’s sleeping form. “Wake up sleepyhead. I got your breakfast.”  
  
“Mmargle?” Cas mumbled. Dean just laughed.  
  
“Come on babe. I even have coffee.”  
  
“Coffee?” Cas’s head lifted out of the pillow and he blinked blearily up at Dean.  
  
Dean couldn’t help it. He leaned down and kissed Cas on the head. “I would have done bacon and eggs, but we haven’t gone grocery shopping yet.”  
  
Slowly Cas sat up, leaning against Dean’s side. “Didn’t your mom offer to do that with us the first time?”  
  
“Yeah. She’s coming over later today to help unpack and go grocery shopping. Sam can’t come by until later this week though. Apparently he has a big test on Wednesday. Anyway, I got us cold cereal and toast with honey.”  
  
Cas grinned and dropped a kiss on Dean’s bare shoulder. “You got breakfast and you didn’t bother to get dressed?”  
  
Dean blushed. “I don’t need pants for cold cereal.”  
  
Laughing, Cas took his bowl and a spoon. “What is this?”  
  
“Lucky Charms. I snagged the last box in the pantry. Sam’s gonna be pissed.”  
  
Shaking his head, Cas began to eat. Dean grabbed his own bowl and did the same. They kept sneaking glances at each other, catching the other’s eyes and grinning. Finally Cas broke the silence.  
  
“I can’t believe we’re really here.”  
  
“I know man. Our own place.”  
  
“I haven’t not shared a room my whole life,” Cas said, finishing his bowl and snagging a piece of toast.  
  
“Well… You’re still… I mean, you can sleep in the other room, sure.” Dean looked down at his cereal. Had he messed up that badly last night?  
  
“What? No! I just… I want to stay with you! You’re different,” Cas was quick to reassure. “I just meant… This whole room is ours to decorate together. It’s not like me and Gabe, with the duct tape line down the middle.”  
  
Dean snorted. “Yeah, no duct tape in the bed please.”  
  
“Right.” Cas leaned over and snuggled against Dean’s side. “I’m sorry about last night.”  
  
“No, Cas, I told you. It’s not your fault. If it hurts that bad then I did something wrong, not you. I rushed things. We’ll go slower next time.” Dean took Cas’s face in his hands and kissed him softly. “You did exactly right. If it hurts, we stop.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Really okay? Or are you just agreeing with me to shut me up? I know you do that,” Dean scolded Cas gently.  
  
“Really okay.”  
  
“Alright. Then enough girly talk. My mom’s coming over, and she’ll expect the two of us dressed, at least.” Dean began to stack their bowls onto the tray and set it aside.  
  
Cas stood up and stretched, grinning when he heard Dean fumble with the dishes.  
  
“Man, you’re killing me here,” Dean said, coming around to where Cas was standing. “Maybe we should call my mom and cancel, stay in bed all day.”  
  
Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist, and Cas dropped his arms around Dean’s neck. Dean pulled Cas close, tilting his head for a kiss. It was gentle, but heated, like he was still trying to make up for the night before. Cas melted under Dean’s touch, clinging to Dean’s neck. Breaking away for a breath, Dean trailed kisses down Cas’s neck. He reached down, grabbing Cas’s ass and pulling his hips into Dean’s. Cas could feel them both getting hard, and he pushed Dean away, gasping.  
  
“We should… We should get dressed.”  
  
Dean chuckled and pulled away, leaning in for one quick, chaste kiss. “Yeah yeah.”  
  
They did manage to get dressed after that, though it ended up involving opening up their wardrobe boxes. Cas immediately missed the intimacy of their nudity, but it couldn’t be helped. No matter Dean’s lewd suggestion, they really couldn’t spend all day in bed. Mary was coming over around noon to help unpack. Even if she wasn’t, Cas had school tomorrow and Dean had work. They needed to get the apartment functional by then, no matter what.  
  
But still, it was nice to wake up next to each other, nice to be able to flirt and touch without fear of nosy siblings and well-meaning parents. It was nice to just be together.  
  
Mary showed up at noon with Subway, and they stood in the kitchen to eat off the counter. Next weekend they had plans to go to IKEA for furniture. For now, they would make do. After that they spent a couple of hours organizing the kitchen. Mary had had a spare set of dishware, while Cas’s mom had given them an old set of cookware. Silverware and other odds and ends had been picked up at garage sales and Goodwill in recent months. Mary had insisted on taking pictures to record the event, and the boys flirted non-stop. Then it was on to grocery shopping, which Mary paid for over their protests, and back to the apartment to put it all away.  
  
Finally it was time to tackle the bedroom. Most of that was clothing, which went directly into the closet. They had a huge closet, and only Dean’s small dresser (which was full of Dean’s stuff, though he made room happily for Cas’s underwear and socks), so everything that could be hung was hung. After that Mary left, and Dean dug out the rest of the pizza from the night before.  
  
The boys stripped down to their boxers and curled up on the bed together to eat.  
  
“Second night together. It’s starting to feel real,” Cas said, grinning over at Dean.  
  
“With all the work we did today, I should hope so. I’m exhausted.”  
  
“What time do you need to leave tomorrow?”  
  
“I have to be to work by eight,” Dean said, “so probably 7:30.”  
  
“Wake me up before you go. My first class isn’t until noon, but…”  
  
Dean grinned, leaning in to nuzzle his nose against Cas’s. “You’d give up your sleep time for me?”  
  
“I’m not getting out of bed for you. I just… I wanted to say goodbye.”  
  
Dean laughed. “Sure thing. If I can manage it, I’ll get you breakfast in bed again.”  
  
“No, don’t. I’ll just go back to sleep after you leave. I can get breakfast later.”  
  
With a shrug, Dean tossed the empty pizza box on the floor next to him and laid back. “If you’re sure. I don’t mind.”  
  
“It’s too much trouble. I just want to say goodbye.” Cas shifted the blankets so that he and Dean were both under the covers, and then curled up against Dean’s side. “It’s okay, right?”  
  
“Sure it is.” Dean wrapped an arm around Cas and pulled him close. “This is perfect.”  
  
Despite the worry about their ‘next time’ sexually, Cas had to agree. Being with Dean like this, this intimate comfortable space where it was just the two of them, it really was perfect.

  
\-------------------  


The next week was hectic. They still had a lot to unpack, and Cas was drowning in homework. Dean helped where he could, but it was ultimately Cas’s work to do. But every night, they curled up around each other, falling asleep in each other’s arms.  
  
The weekend finally came though, and Dean grinned as he slipped out of Cas’s arms on Saturday morning. He knew they had bacon and eggs, and he was going to do breakfast right today. He slipped on an undershirt, at least, figuring that bacon would be painful in just his boxers.  
  
When he came back in with a full tray, complete with coffee, Cas had drifted to the center of the bed. He set the tray down on his nightstand and sat down next to Cas’s head, gently running his fingers through Cas’s hair.  
  
“Hey babe. I brought coffee.”  
  
Cas opened one eye. “You left.”  
  
“To make coffee,” Dean said.  
  
Cas slowly sat up, and curled into Dean’s side. “I suppose I can forgive you.”  
  
Dean grinned and handed over a fork. “Dig in.”  
  
After they ate, Dean set the tray aside and pulled Cas into his lap. “We still have some unpacking to do, and a furniture trip to make.”  
  
Cas nodded, wrapping his legs around Dean’s waist and slipping his arms up around Dean’s neck. “We can do it later though, right? We don’t have to go out right this minute?”  
  
“No,” Dean said, chuckling. “We could save it all for tomorrow if you wanted. Stay in bed all day today.”  
  
“Mmm. Sounds nice.” Cas leaned in, stopping just short of Dean’s lips. He wasn’t sure he was ready to try again, but Dean had waited long enough.  
  
Dean took the invitation for what it was, and gently pressed their lips together, running his hands up Cas’s bare back. Cas slipped his hands under the shirt Dean had put on earlier and slowly pushed it up, until Dean had to pull away to get it off.  
  
“You okay?” Dean asked when he did, staring into Cas’s eyes. “You sure you’re ready to try again?”  
  
Cas nodded, trying to look more confident than he was. It must have worked, because Dean grinned and leaned in for another kiss, digging his fingers into Cas’s hair. Cas gently ran his fingernails down Dean’s back, just hard enough to make him groan.  
  
“God, you're perfect,” Dean said, arching his back into the touch. He pushed Cas down into the bed before working to get their boxers off. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and grinned. This was his favorite part. Just lying here, half hard and feeling each other, being comfortable with each other in a way that they never really had been able to before. It made him feel close to Dean, intimate in a way that was not sexual but was very personal. In a way no one else got to be with him.  
  
Then Dean reached down and stroked Cas’s cock, and his whole body shuddered. It felt good, yes, but weird.  
  
Dean grinned, not noticing Cas’s discomfort. “You're so pretty, babe. Love it when you move like that.”  
  
He sucked a bruise into Cas’s neck, pulling away with lust-blown eyes to pull back and off of Cas. “Hands and knees, babe. I promise, I'll be more careful this time.”  
  
Cas nodded and got into position, feeling awkward. He didn't like this position. He couldn't see Dean. But Dean had a lot of experience with this, and Cas was sure it was for the best.  
  
This time when Dean prepped Cas, it took forever. Cas had an easier time relaxing, which helped immensely, but Dean meant it when he said they'd take their time this round. Cas was bored stiff, and his erection had flagged by the time Dean declared them ready. He could only hope it came back. It had to right? Dudes got erections during sex; it was just how things worked. He wasn't that broken, right?  
  
Dean slowly pressed his cock into Cas’s ass. Cas groaned. It still hurt, but not like it had last week. This was a little pain, a bearable pain. Cas figured it was a normal pain. After all, things didn't normally enter his ass, and Dean was quite large. A little pain was probably normal.  
  
“You like that, babe? Yeah, god, you're so tight. So good for me, angel.” Dean slowly began to move, and Cas arched his back a little, letting Dean enter further. Dean grinned and began a steady rhythm, pushing Cas into the pillows.  
  
For his part, Cas tried to enjoy it, but it was hard. That little bit of pain became a mild burning sensation that was distracting. Worse, it seemed his erection just wasn't going to come back. Finally, though, after only a few seconds, Dean was done.  
  
He collapsed over Cas, pushing Cas into the mattress. The good thing about this, Cas figured, was that Dean couldn't know that Cas hadn't come. Maybe they could just keep doing this. Maybe Dean would never have to know that Cas was broken. He could make this work.  
  
Dean grinned against Cas’s skin as he pulled away. “Sorry, babe. It's been so long. I just don't have any stamina. You good?”  
  
Cas nodded. He was good. He hadn't lied. He shifted a little so he could nestle himself into Dean’s side without exposing himself to Dean. He didn't want to give away that he wasn't actually recovering from an orgasm. Dean wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close.  
  
“Nap, then unpacking?” he asked.  
  
“Sure,” Cas said.  
  
He could do this. It would make Dean happy, and keep him close. Cas would go to the ends of the earth if it meant Dean would stay with him. He could do this.

  
_____________________________  


He couldn't do this. Now that they’d successfully made love once, Dean wanted to do it all the time. Cuddles on the couch turned to making out, and making out turned to cock stroking. Cas had managed to avoid it for a few days, but Dean was getting concerned, and Cas didn’t know how to fix things.  
  
“You sure you’re okay, Cas?”  
  
Cas had sat down on the opposite end of the couch from Dean, a good couch cushion away. It wasn’t a large couch, and it wasn’t the most comfortable thing, but it had been cheap, and that was the most important thing during their shopping trip. Now though, Cas was wishing it was larger, if only so he could be farther from Dean. The farther away he was, the less likely Dean would start something.  
  
“I’m fine.”  
  
“Then… Sit by me? Please?” Dean was upset. It was obvious Dean was upset.  
  
Cas shrugged. “I am sitting by you.”  
  
Dean stared at him, and Cas remembered that the puppy dog eyes were genetic. Sam used them most effectively, but Dean wasn’t above them when he really wanted something.  
  
And the problem was that Cas missed the cuddles. Being physically affectionate with Dean had been his favorite thing for the last several years they’d been together. They’d sat on the couch together, practically in each other’s lap, for years. They’d been smoopy and grossly in love for years, and were practically inseparable. It’d not always been like that. They’d had issues in the beginning, with Dean’s issues with his sexuality (and his dad’s issues with his sexuality), but they’d worked things out and come out stronger for it.  
  
Now, Cas could barely stand to touch Dean. He still loved him, desperately, and missed the cuddles and touches with a passion. He wanted to curl up in Dean’s lap and kiss him breathless, then fall asleep watching Netflix. He wanted Dean, in every way but sexually.  
  
But sexuality was so important to Dean, and Cas was discovering that he made everything sexual. He’d known for years that Dean got aroused easily, but he hadn’t realized that meant Dean wanted sex every time he was aroused. Dean had been so patient with him during their time together, he just hadn’t known. Now it was as though Dean was making up for lost time, and Cas just couldn’t fake it that often. So instead, he was pulling away.  
  
“Cas… please… Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? You gotta tell me, or I won’t be able to fix it,” Dean pleaded. He’d been through four days of Cas slowly getting more and more distant, and he was getting desperate.  
  
Finally Cas sighed, and shook his head. Moving over, he nestled into Dean’s side. “I’m not mad. It’s nothing.”  
  
Dean could feel how stiff Cas was, though, and although he wrapped an arm around Cas and pulled him close, he wasn’t comforted. 

  
\------------------------  


Dean pulled Cas into his arms in their bed, nuzzling into his neck. The day had gone better after their TV time, and Dean was relieved. He wasn’t sure what to make of the problem between them, and he was sure it wasn’t fixed, but Cas was letting him touch him again. So maybe whatever problems Cas was having, he was working through them.  
  
Cas, for his part, was finally getting comfortable with Dean again. Dean hadn’t pressured Cas for sex all day, moving gingerly around him as though he were made of glass, and Cas was pleased. He didn’t really need to be treated so carefully, but it was a welcome relief from feeling as though all Dean wanted from him was sex.  
  
And that was in no way fair, and Cas knew it. Dean had been patient with Cas for years, and loved Cas even without sex for years, so it wasn’t like Dean wanted only sex. It just felt that way when every innocent touch seemed to elicit a sexual response.  
  
“Babe, you know I love you, right?” Dean asked, tangling their legs together and pulling Cas as close as he could.  
  
“Of course.” Cas let himself be pulled in, wrapping his arms around Dean’s bare back and exchanging kisses.  
  
“I wanna try bottoming for you. I’ve never… I’ve never done that before, but... “ Dean pulled away, looking unsure of himself. Cas stiffened in his arms, panicking. If he couldn’t hold an erection during a blowjob, how in the hell would he keep one for actual sex? A mouth is not that different from an ass, sexually. They’re both heated holes, and Cas was just not convinced they were different enough to make a difference.  
  
“Ah… Sometime. Okay? I’m not… I don’t… I…” Cas stuttered to a halt, unsure of how to proceed. He knew on the one hand that this was a gift that Dean was offering him, but he just. How in the hell was he going to accept it, and if he rejected it, how would Dean take it? They made pills for erectile dysfunction, right? Maybe he could get some pills, at least be able to hold an erection, even if he didn’t enjoy the actual act itself. He could look into that. It would be embarrassing, and awkward, and he desperately just wanted to go back to the time before they’d had sex, when he could cuddle Dean and not worry about where it would lead.  
  
But for Dean, he would do it. He had to. He couldn’t let Dean figure out how broken he was.  
  
Dean nudged Cas’s head up, until he could look in his eyes. “I won’t let you hurt me, okay?”  
  
Cas nodded slowly. That wasn’t what he was concerned about, although now that Dean mentioned it, that was certainly a problem as well. He could at least understand how being the top felt good. Touching his cock felt good, even if he did get bored before he came. It’s why he didn’t masturbate, really. There was no payoff. It felt good for a few minutes, then became overstimulating and a little messy, but there was no orgasm involved, just enough precome to make things uncomfortable. But he could see how people would like that, and apparently most people actually had some sort of payoff and it was great.  
  
But actually being the bottom had been uncomfortable and a little painful, and he didn’t want to do that to Dean. He didn’t want Dean feeling the way he’d felt when he’d bottomed. He wanted it to be good for Dean, but how could he make it good when he didn’t feel good doing it himself?  
  
No, it was better all around if he continued to bottom. At least until he figured out what was so good about sex. Just keep doing it doggy style, so that he could hide his lack of erection, and Dean felt good, and maybe he could keep it down to once a week, and and and…  
  
Cas hid his head against Dean’s neck, feeling overwhelmed. This wasn’t working, but he didn’t know how to fix it. Dean had been so patient with him already. He deserved a partner who could fulfill his needs, and Cas was determined to be that partner. He couldn’t picture a life without Dean in it. And surely Dean wouldn’t want to be with someone who was broken. Not broken like Cas was. The important thing was that Dean was happy, and Cas could sacrifice to make sure he stayed happy. He could.  
  
Dean pushed Cas away, holding him at arm’s length to get a good look at him. “Cas? What’s wrong? We don’t… We don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, okay? You’ve been off for a few days now. Please talk to me.”  
  
“I’m fine,” Cas said.  
  
“You’re not,” Dean insisted.  
  
“I’m fine.”  
  
Dean didn’t push again, though he looked skeptical. Cas rolled over, away from Dean, and curled up on his side of the bed, alone. After a moment, Dean turned off the light. Gently, he slid his arms around Cas’s waist and pulled him back against his chest. “I’m here when you want to talk.”  
  
“You don’t like to talk about feelings,” Cas said.  
  
“I’ll do it for you.” Dean kissed the back of Cas’s neck and molded his body around Cas.  
  
“All right.”  
  
“All right?” Dean asked, leaning up to try to look at Cas.  
  
“If there’s something I need to talk about, I’ll talk to you,” said Cas, staring straight ahead and not looking at Dean. He couldn’t lie to Dean’s face, but he also couldn’t talk to Dean about this, either.  
  
“Good. Good. I… That’s good.” Dean laid back down. He didn’t entirely believe Cas, but he could only push so far. He wasn’t good at this kind of thing. Maybe he could enlist Sam, plan a playdate for his brother and his boyfriend and see if Cas would open up to Sam. He had to do something. He’d thought… He’d thought that offering to bottom would help, that Cas would see how much Dean trusted him and understand. Sex was something Dean understood, something he could express himself through. He’d learned to talk with Cas, because they hadn’t had sex for so many years, and he’d had no other choice, but now… Now it should be easy, but it wasn’t. Cas was barely letting him touch him, not even the innocent touches they’d had for years, and he wasn’t talking to him like they’d done since they had discovered it was the only way to make things work. Without that, Dean was lost.

  
\--------------------  


Cas went to the university clinic on Friday. He’d wanted to go earlier, but then couldn’t get his nerve up. He wasn’t looking forward to it.  
  
When he explained his problem to the doctor, as briefly as he could, the doctor nodded. It was unusual for someone so young to have erectile dysfunction, but it wasn’t unheard of. He ordered tests done, to see if Cas’s problem was hormonal. He laid out Cas’s options clinically, stating that he wanted to get the blood tests back before he prescribed anything. Viagra and other ED medications had side effects, and there were other underlying and serious problems that ED could be a symptom for. He said he might end up recommending a specialist, depending on how the blood tests came out, and that they’d know in a few days. He promised to contact Cas on his cell phone as soon as the results came back, and sent him on his way.  
  
In some ways, Cas was relieved. The doctor had seemed sure there was a cure for this, and hadn’t immediately accused him of being broken. Not that he’d really thought a doctor would do that, but he’d been worried that there would be problems, that maybe the doctor wouldn’t believe him. And it was certainly more complicated than he would have liked. He was half-hoping the doctor would just prescribe him some medication that he could pick up that day, and be done with it.  
  
He hadn’t explained that he didn’t like sex, only that he couldn’t maintain an erection. He didn’t want the doctor to know that he was broken. Everyone liked sex, right? But the doctor had been helpful, and even if it wasn’t an immediate fix, it was a solution, and hopefully Dean would never find out. He could keep it hidden, he was sure.

  
\-------------------------------  


Dean slid his arms around Cas Saturday morning, pulling him close. “You wanna go, babe? We haven’t had sex in over a week.”  
  
Cas hesitated. He didn’t have any way to guarantee his erection yet. “I… I’m not ready to top…”  
  
“That’s okay. Whenever you’re ready. I just… you’re gorgeous this morning,” Dean said, trying to reassure his boyfriend.  
  
Cas laughed. “Oh, so I wasn’t gorgeous yesterday?”  
  
“That’s not…! I mean…! Yes, of course you were! Cas!” Dean fumbled with his words, but he was glad Cas was teasing him. Everything seemed to be back to normal. It was going to be okay.  
  
He rolled over on top of Cas, still in his boxers, and boxed Cas in with his arms. “You’re gorgeous every morning, and it’s all I can do to not ravish you every time I see you.”  
  
Cas chuckled, resting his hands on Dean’s hips. “I love you.”  
  
“Ditto.” With that, Dean leaned in for a kiss. Sliding his hands into Cas’s hair, he opened his mouth into the kiss, running his tongue along the seam of Cas’s lips and groaning when Cas opened to him. The kiss was heated, and sloppy, but Cas relaxed into it. He could enjoy this. He could.  
  
“I wanna see you, this time,” Dean said, reaching a hand down to Cas’s hip. “We’ve done this before, we know what we’re doing. I’ll be careful. Do you trust me?”  
  
Cas hesitated. Yes he trusted Dean, but he wasn’t sure what Dean was asking for. “Ah… Yes…?”  
  
Dean chuckled. “I mean, I want to try a different position. Nothing bad. Just… I want you facing me this time. I want to kiss you while we make love.”  
  
Cas’s eyes went wide. He would have a harder time hiding his lack of arousal from Dean in that position. He wasn’t sure it was even possible. He started to shake his head.  
  
Dean leaned forward, kissing him. “I know it’s different, but I promise, I’ll make it good for you. Please?”  
  
Cas almost shook his head, but the pleading in Dean’s eyes was too much to take. Slowly he nodded, and Dean grinned. “Good. Good. I’ll just… Yeah.”  
  
Together they shimmied their boxers off, and Dean took them both in hand. Cas shuddered under the touch, squirming his hips against Dean’s. Dean stroked them, and Cas arched his back, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck and holding on. This part he could enjoy, at least for a while. Dean grinned, setting his mouth to Cas’s Adam’s apple and sucking. Cas groaned, tipping his head back as far as it would go as Dean trailed kisses and licks along his collarbone and jaw.  
  
Finally though, Dean reached for the lube and a condom. Reaching down between Cas’s legs, he began to gently prep Cas, checking every few seconds to make sure Cas was okay. Cas was tense. He could feel himself starting to lose arousal, and he desperately reached down to his own cock and began to stroke, hoping he could keep his erection for just a little while longer. Dean didn’t seem to stretch out sex. He only needed to stay aroused for a few minutes, right? He could do this.  
  
Already Cas could feel himself becoming overstimulated, though he kept stroking anyway. It wasn’t pleasurable anymore, but he had to do something. It was a relief when Dean declared him ready. He still had an erection. He could do this. It wasn’t…. Cas was definitely no longer having fun, but that didn’t matter.  
  
Then, Dean kissed him hard and thoroughly as he pushed in, and Cas melted. He could do without the dick in his ass, but he’d never felt Dean so passionate before. It was overwhelming in all the best ways. Letting go of his cock, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s back, running his fingernails along Dean’s spine. Dean groaned above him. Folding his legs around Dean’s hips, Cas let himself focus on the kiss, moaning into it. Dean broke away to breathe, trailing kisses down his neck and sucking a bruise into his collarbone. Cas gasped, moving under the feeling of Dean’s tongue.  
  
And suddenly, it all went to hell. Cas had been paying so much attention to Dean’s mouth, he’d forgotten to pay attention to his own cock. It wasn’t a problem for him, because he wasn’t getting anything out of this sexually, and his cock had begun to lose its stiffness. That would have been fine, except that Dean reached in between them and grabbed his cock.  
  
He pulled away sharply. “Cas, you’re… You’re soft!”  
  
Cas tensed, and Dean pulled away, pulled out, sat up completely and stared down at Cas’s soft cock. “You’re… Are you enjoying this at all? You’re… I thought… Did I…?”  
  
All of Cas’s fears came barrelling up into his chest, twisting his stomach into knots. “Dean, I…”  
  
“What the fuck, Cas? Did you even want this? You could have said no! You should have said no! Did I just… Did you just… Did you let me rape you?” Dean was getting hysterical, crawling backwards until he nearly fell off the bed.  
  
“No! I just....! Dean!” Cas reached out for him, but Dean stayed out of reach.  
  
“I thought you were into it! I thought…!”  
  
Cas curled up into a ball, covering his face with his arms. He didn’t want Dean to find out like this. He was doing everything he could. A few more days, and Dean would never have known.  
  
“Did you…. Did you even enjoy it?” Dean’s voice was small, broken, and Cas broke a little hearing it.  
  
He couldn’t lie. In the smallest voice he could manage, he said, “Not really. The kissing part…”  
  
Dean slid off the bed. “I… I’ll be on the couch. If you need me,” Dean said.  
  
Cas nodded, not moving until he heard the bedroom door close. Slowly, he got under the covers, pulling them up and over his head. Maybe if he went to sleep, things would fix themselves overnight, and he could go back to the way things were.  
  
But sleep didn’t come.

  
\-----------------------  


Dean got up the next morning, and for the first time in the two weeks he’d lived with Cas, he didn’t roll over to wake Cas up with a kiss. Instead, he rolled off the couch and woke up cursing. Thank god it was Sunday. He hadn’t thought to set the alarm on his phone, and he had no idea what time it was.  
  
“Dean?”  
  
Cas was hesitant. He’d heard the fall, and the cursing. But Dean just grumbled under his breath, and Cas looked down at his feet.  
  
“Dean, I’ve packed up my things. I’m moving into the other bedroom for now, okay?”  
  
“Whatever.” Dean wasn’t awake enough to deal with this. He wasn’t sober enough to deal with this. Part of him knew that taking it out on Cas wasn’t the answer, but the rest of him just didn’t give a shit. “I’m going out. I’ll be back later.”  
  
Cas nodded, unable to look at Dean. “Al-Alright. Will you… will you be back for dinner?”  
  
“Who the fuck knows.” With that, Dean slammed his way past Cas into the bedroom. Cas, for his part, disappeared into the second bedroom. He didn’t know what else to do with himself. Fifteen minutes later, he heard the front door slam. It sounded so final.

  
\---------------------------  


Cas spent the day rearranging his clothing in the second bedroom. He didn’t know where Dean had gone, but he figured it was better to let Dean work his way through it. Cas wasn’t sure what else he could do, anyway. Dean knew he was broken, was angry with him. Maybe when Dean calmed down, Cas could tell him he’d gone to the doctor, was hopefully going to get pills, and they could try again. Maybe the pills would even make him enjoy sex. Maybe Dean would forgive him. Maybe they could stay together. Maybe maybe maybe…  
  
But really, who was he kidding? Dean had been gone for hours now. Would he even return? Or would he have Mary and Sam come pack up his things? Cas had really fucked things up this time. He should have tried harder to stay erect. Or better yet, insisted they do it doggy style. Then Dean would never have figured out he wasn’t enjoying things.  
  
Dean would probably move out. ...no, he could afford this place on his own. It would be better if Cas moved out. Cas didn’t want to go back to living with his parents, but he could do that. Or he could rent a room in a house. He probably had the money for that. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but it was the best he could do. With a new resolve, Cas dug out the boxes they’d spent the last two weeks unpacking. It wouldn’t take long to pack up his things.  
  
And then he would leave. And Dean would find someone else. Someone who wasn’t broken. Maybe he already had. Cas pictured Dean having met a sweet girl in a coffee shop. Maybe they’d already hooked up. Dean always did move fast, before he got with Cas. Maybe they were at her place right now. Cas choked back a sob.  
  
Checking the clock, he saw that it was after seven. With no sign of Dean, he wondered what he should do. Finally, he decided to call Sam. Sam could go after Dean, make sure he was okay, and then take him back to his place. Then Dean wouldn’t have to see him, and by tomorrow morning, Cas could be gone. And Dean would be happy.  
  
That was the important thing. Dean would be happy without him, so he had to go.  
  
Cas started to cry. It was another hour before he managed to pull himself together enough to call Sam.  
  
“Sam? Dean and I… We had a fight.”  
  
“You two? You haven’t fought since high school. What happened?” Sam sounded concerned.  
  
“I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it. Just… He hasn’t been home since this morning. I think… I think maybe he’d prefer it if you went after him. Maybe you can take him back home with you. I don’t… I don’t think he wants to see me right now.” Cas knew he sounded rough, but he couldn’t help it.  
  
Sam paused for a long moment, and Cas worried for a moment that he’d hung up. Sam and Dean were close. With Dean this angry at Cas, it would be no wonder that Sam would get angry with him too.  
  
“Okay. I’ll uh. I’ll check around, see if I can locate him. You gonna be okay on your own? I can call Mom, have her come over and stay with you.” Sam made it sound so reasonable.  
  
“No!” Cas said, too quickly. “I mean, no, no. That’s… that’s okay. I’m fine. I’ll be… I’ll be fine.”  
  
“Alright… If you say so.” Sam didn’t sound convinced. Cas didn’t know what he would say if Mary came over right now. He couldn’t bear to disappoint her, too. It was better that they all stay away, until he was packed and gone.  
  
“I’m fine, Sam. Just look after Dean for me, okay?”  
  
“All right,” Sam agreed, and hung up. Cas sighed. He had a lot of work to do between now and tomorrow, if he wanted to be gone before Dean got back from work tomorrow. He’d probably have to skip classes tomorrow, but he could do it. He had to do it. For Dean’s sake.

  
\-------------------------------------  


Dean was three sheets to the wind by the time Sam located him at a local bar. Sam spotted him in a corner with a bear of a man leaning over him suggestively. Dean was flirting madly, if inexpertly due to the alcohol, and Sam could see from across the room that the other man was interested. He didn’t like it.  
  
Crossing the room, Sam interposed himself between Dean and the man. “Dean? It’s time to go.”  
  
“Sammy! Sammy this is Benny. Benny’s my new friend. Benny, this is my brother, Sammy.” Dean grinned up at Sam, looking a little cross-eyed.  
  
“Pleasure,” Benny said, stepping to the side so that he could hold out his hand to Sam. Sam did not take it.  
  
“Yeah, same. Look, I’m going to take my brother home. We’ll see you later,” Sam said, wrapping an arm around Dean’s shoulders and pulling him towards the door.  
  
“Aw, really? Sammy, it was just getting good. Let’s stay. We can do shots!” Dean started to maneuver them to a booth. Sam sighed and went along with it. He glared over his shoulder at Benny, who raised his hands in surrender and turned back to the bar.  
  
When they got to the booth, Sam shoved Dean into one side, and then sat next to him. It would be easier to keep an eye on him that way. Dean ordered a beer, while Sam ran his finger along his throat and shook his head at the waitress. He motioned for her to get Dean a water, and she nodded. When she’d left, he turned to Dean.  
  
“Cas says you haven’t been home all day,” he said.  
  
“Yeah so? He doesn’t want me there anyway.” Dean dropped his head into his arms and mumbled something Sam couldn’t understand. Sam sighed.  
  
“He’s the one who called me, jerk. He cares enough to make sure you’re taken care of,” Sam said.  
  
“Benny would have taken care of me,” Dean replied, grumbling.  
  
“Dean, you have a live-in boyfriend at home. Are you really willing to throw that all away on a stupid one-night stand?” Sam couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  
  
“...no.” Dean’s voice was small.  
  
“All right then. Tell me what happened.”  
  
Dean sighed, and dropped his face into his hands. “He… I… I raped him.”  
  
“What?!”  
  
“I thought he was into it! I was so careful, I made sure to ask him, I thought he was into it,” Dean said, staring at the table as though it could help. “But he was soft. I’m not sure… I’m not sure he was into it any time we had sex. He told me it was okay, and he let me rape him.”  
  
“Okay, first of all, that’s not rape. If he told you it was okay, then it wasn’t rape, even if he wasn’t into it. Sex you don’t enjoy is still just sex as long as everyone is consenting,” Sam said firmly. Dean slowly nodded.  
  
“Second of all, maybe he just has… issues. Or something. Maybe you should focus on the other parts of the relationship, instead of the sex. Just… living together as roommates. You guys have been looking forward to this for years.” Sam didn’t want to see this relationship die. It would be like seeing his parents divorce. Dean and Cas were made for each other; anyone could see that.  
  
“But I love him…” Dean looked like he was about to cry. Sam decided it was time to go home.  
  
“We can talk about this later. I’ll call you in at work. Let’s get you home and in bed,” Sam said, maneuvering Dean out of the booth and towards the door. The last thing he needed was a sobbing drunken older brother.

  
\------------------------------------------  


Dean passed out on the way home, and it was all Sam could do to get him up the stairs into his apartment. He noticed as he walked into Dean and Cas’s place that parts of it looked oddly empty, as though things had gone missing. Hoping everything was okay, he got Dean into his bedroom and partially undressed, before dumping him into the bed. Then he went looking for Cas.  
  
“Cas?” Sam called.  
  
“In here.”  
  
Sam opened the door to the second bedroom and walked in, stunned to find Cas surrounded by boxes. “I thought you’d gotten more than that unpacked. Dean had said you were almost done.”  
  
“We were. I’m packing up. I’ll… I wasn’t expecting you to come back here. I’ll be gone by the time Dean gets off work tomorrow.” Cas stared down at his boxes, refusing to look at Sam.  
  
“What? No! Did Dean really screw up that badly?” Sam knelt beside Cas, trying to get him to look up.  
  
“No! No. No, it’s me. I’m broken. Dean deserves better than me.” Cas’s voice faded until it was small, barely audible, but Sam made it out.  
  
“Look, if this is really all about sex, you can work that out. I know Dean has a huge appetite for sex, but you don’t have to leave because of one little fight!”  
  
“I don’t want sex at all, Sam! I… I tried, for Dean’s sake. I really did. But it’s just.... It never felt good. Sometimes it even hurt. And I don’t want to ever do it again! But I can’t tell Dean that. He loves sex. He deserves to be with someone who isn’t broken like that.” Cas looked up at Sam, and Sam could see he was barely holding things together.  
  
“Look, let me do some research. See if we can’t figure out what’s going on with you. Maybe take you to a doctor. In the meantime, stay here. With Dean,” Sam pleaded.  
  
“I… Okay. I’ll give you until I can find my own place. I’m not unpacking though. This is only temporary.” Cas was staring down at his hands again.  
  
“Okay. I can work with that. Just… Dean needs you. Try to… I called him off work tomorrow. Try to talk it out with him,” Sam said, dropping his hand on Cas’s shoulder and shaking him a little. Cas nodded. Sam stood up and headed for the door. He had a lot of research to do, and apparently, not a lot of time to do it.

  
\----------------------------------------------------  


Later that night, Cas went in to check on Dean. He found Dean uncovered and shivering. Gently he pulled the blankets back over Dean’s body. Before he could leave, though, Dean grabbed his arm.  
  
“Cas. Cas. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.” Dean slurred his speech, still drunk.  
  
Cas patted Dean’s arm and gently tried to extract himself. “I know. Go back to sleep, Dean.”  
  
“I love you. I love you so much. I would do anything for you, baby,” Dean said.  
  
“I love you too. Go back to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning, okay?” Cas gently pulled himself out of Dean’s arms. Dean mumbled something else under his breath and rolled over. Cas finished tucking him in and left.

  
\------------------------------------------------  


The next morning, Cas woke up first. He slipped into their shared bedroom with a cup of coffee, a glass of water, and a couple of aspirin. Dean had been really drunk the night before. He didn't deserve the hangover he was sure to have this morning.  
  
Dean groaned and opened his eyes as Cas set the coffee mug down. “Cas?”  
  
“Hello Dean.”  
  
Sitting up, Dean patted the bed beside him. Cas sat down next to him. Dean leaned over, resting his head on Cas’s shoulder.  
  
For a long moment they just sat like that, enjoying each other’s closeness. Finally though, Cas sighed.  
  
“Dean, we need to talk,” Cas said.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I will… I’m packed now, I can move out immediately, if you prefer. I told Sam I would… Well, if you’ll give me a week, I’ll probably be able to avoid moving back in with my parents, but I understand if you would prefer I leave as soon as possible. I’m. I’m very sorry.”  
  
Dean sat up, staring down into his coffee mug. “It’s not your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for. I understand. Take your time, ba--I mean. Castiel.”  
  
Cas nodded and left. Dean set the coffee mug back on the nightstand and curled back up in bed, pulling the covers up and over his head. He should have known that this would happen. Dean didn’t get nice things.

  
\-------------------------------------------  


Three very tense, very awkward days later, Sam showed up at their door. “I need to talk to you,” he said to Dean, who had opened the door. “Both of you.”  
  
“Cas is in his bedroom. You can go get him,” Dean said, motioning at the other bedroom. He sat down at the kitchen table to wait for the other two.  
  
Sam brought Cas to the kitchen. Cas avoided looking at Dean, sitting across from him but at an angle, so that his chair was facing Sam. “What is it, Sam?”  
  
“Have you ever heard of asexuality?”  
  
“That’s like plants, right?” Dean asked.  
  
“No… No, it’s when someone doesn’t feel sexual attraction. I’ve been doing some research, and I think… Cas, I think you’re asexual,” Sam explained.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Look, asexuality is a sexual identity. Like how Dean is bisexual. It just means that someone doesn’t want to have sex with anyone. It’s not a disorder or anything. It’s a real thing, and it’s okay. If you wanted to try sex, we could probably talk to a doctor--”  
  
“I did…” Cas interrupted. “He ran some tests. I’m still waiting to hear back from him.”  
  
“Great!” Sam said. “But basically, asexuality is a legitimate thing that just means you don’t feel like having sex with anyone. You still can, but you don’t feel arousal or anything like me or Dean do.”  
  
“So I’m… I’m not broken?” Cas asked, in a small voice.  
  
“Who told you you were broken?” Dean growled, voice low and dangerous. No one called his angel broken.  
  
“N-no one. I mean, it was just obvious, wasn’t it? I… I don’t…” Cas stammered to a stop, and Sam shook his head.  
  
“No, you’re not broken. You’re just asexual. And it’s okay,” Sam said.  
  
Relief running through Cas, he glanced over at Dean. Maybe… Maybe he and Dean could…  
  
“So wait. He’ll never… He’ll never want sex? He’ll never look at me and think ‘I’d tap that’?” Dean asked, chewing his lip.  
  
“Ah… No,” Sam said, sparing a glance for Cas.  
  
Cas deflated. Of course Dean would want sex. Dean had been patient with him all these years, but he’d expected some kind of payoff, certainly. It was for the best that they end it now. Dean wouldn’t be able to live without sex, of course.  
  
“Thank you, Sam. Dean and I need to discuss some things in private, now,” Cas said, standing up and motioning for the door.  
  
“Of course. I’ll see you later?” Sam sounded unsure.  
  
“Yes.” Cas figured it was better to keep it short with Sam, right now. He wasn’t lying, he and Dean needed to discuss this. Everything about asexuality rang true for him, but that didn’t mean Dean should put up with someone who wasn’t going to put out.  
  
After ushering Sam out the door, Cas sat down next to Dean, scooting over until he was facing him and their knees nearly touched.  
  
“Dean?”  
  
“Yeah, Cas?”  
  
“I’ll still move out, okay? I’ll be out as soon as possible, no more than a week. I’ll go back to my parents’ house if I have to,” Cas said. “I hope… I hope you’ll find someone better. Someone who can have sex with you the way you want. You deserve that. You deserve the world.”  
  
Dean nodded along, staring down at his lap.  
  
“I… I understand that you can’t have a relationship without sex,” Cas continued. “Know that I… I will always love you.”  
  
Dean’s head snapped up.  
  
“I love you. You dumbass. I love you.” Dean said, dropping to his knees on the floor in front of Cas, and wrapping his arms around Cas’s waist. “If you love me, you’ll stay. We’ll work the rest out. Please… Please stay.”  
  
“But Dean…”  
  
“No. I don’t care. Stay with me.”  
  
“I… okay…” Cas hesitantly agreed.  
  
Dean leapt to his feet, all smiles, pulling Cas to his feet as well and then picking Cas up and spinning him around. He leaned forward and gave Cas a chaste kiss.  
  
“Was that okay?” Dean asked.  
  
“It was okay. You can do that,” Cas replied.  
  
Dean nodded towards his arms around Cas. “Is this okay?”  
  
“Yes, Dean. I… I like being held.”  
  
“Will you move back into our room? Into our bed? Please?”  
  
“I don’t… I don’t want to have sex with you,” Cas replied.  
  
“Just sleep. Will you sleep beside me every night? Every night until we’re old and grey?” Dean nuzzled against Cas’s nose, grinning as he begged.  
  
“Yes. I… I’d like that.”  
  
Dean moved his hands to frame Cas’s face, kissing him thoroughly. Cas melted into his touch, clinging to Dean’s shoulders.  
  
“Please, please stay with me,” Dean begged.  
  
“Yes. All right.”  
  
Cas grinned. Maybe they could do this after all. If Dean loved him enough to stay with him despite his asexuality, maybe…  
  
Maybe things could be as perfect as they were a week ago.

**Author's Note:**

> So I want to be clear here. The sex is all consensual. Cas isn't sure about it, but he agrees to it. He doesn't always like it, but he agrees to it. He agrees to it for the wrong reasons, but never because Dean is actually pressuring him or forcing him. Cas does what he does in this fic because he thinks that's what he has to do, because of societal expectations and his own lack of understanding both of himself and the possibilities of sexualities out there. He feels scared and alone in this fic not because of anything Dean has done, but because of the things he has been taught all his life make someone "normal." This is Cas learning he has boundaries, that he's _allowed_ to have boundaries, and figuring them out, and sometimes you blow right past your boundaries when you're first discovering them.
> 
> That being said, Dean and Cas have a long way to go from here. A relationship between an asexual person and a sexual person is all about compromise. Sexual people often need that sexual aspect to their relationship to feel secure and loved within their relationship. Dean and Cas both will spend a few weeks researching, and Dean will back off in a very big way, refusing to be sexual in even in ways that Cas has been happy and comfortable with for years, in an attempt to make Cas happy. In response, they'll both struggle and become insecure in the relationship. It will take a lot of discussion, which neither of them is particularly good at, and possibly even another intervention from Sam, before they'll settle into something they're both happy with. Which will be largely cuddles, makeouts, and heavy petting, and sometimes Cas will watch or help Dean masturbate. I wouldn't be surprised if a few years down the road they try penetrative sex again, because while Cas didn't enjoy the act of it, he did enjoy the passion Dean displayed because of it, and maybe it would be nice to see that again. And Cas could always get a strap-on, and avoid the issue of "ew don't touch my penis" altogether, while giving Dean exactly what he needs.
> 
> Every asexual person is different, and Cas's compromises in this story won't be everyone's compromises. He's not particularly repulsed by sex, just doesn't get it, and separates the passion that he feels for Dean from the act of sex. With time, research, and communication, they'll be able to have a fulfilling and long-lasting relationship.


End file.
